Help Fight Dirt Bike Withdrawal Syndrome: A simple 38-step program to help you make it to your next ride

By John "Dirt Clod" Schofield

Staring into space? Feeling aimless and adrift? Right hand twitchy? You might be suffering from Dirt Bike Withdrawal Syndrome. DBWS, as it's called, is very common this time of year. This tragic condition develops when winter weather prevents off-road motorcyclists from doing what they love. Thankfully, I've devised the serum that can help. Simply follow this 38-step therapeutic program until the weather clears. Before long, you'll be back to normal.*

1. Immediately watch "On Any Sunday" Rewind, repeat.

2. Detail your bike. (First wash mitt, then toothbrush, finish with Q-Tip.)

3. Clean and inspect your chain.

4. If worn, replace chain with a quality o-ring chain.

5.If the chain is toast, chances are the sprockets are too. Change the rear and counter shaft sprockets.

6.Or don't and read a book on backcountry survival instead. Or anything about the Donner party.

7.Clean and waterproof your boots.

8. If you don't own motorcycle boots, buy a pair. (Not only are they a good investment. They add a special flair to you business attire.)

9. Watch the original Crusty Demons of Dirt.

10. Put together a fanny pack with all the necessary trail tools in it. (E-mail me and I'll send you a list of what's in mine.)

11.Do some sit-ups. (Not sure how this relates, but if you're like me, you need to do them anyway.)

12. Clean your air filter.

13. Buy some riding pants and a jersey or jacket at one of the fine retailers listed here on SoundRider.

14. Teach yourself how to replace a tire. (This counts as a trip to the gym.)

15. Try to explain to your friends why you're covered in talcum powder and smell like a giant baby.

16. Begin planning a weekend of camping and riding for this summer.

17. Convert someone to dirt biking. (Note: This is an elaborate ritual involving a paddle, WD-40 and a devotional shrine to Roger Decoster.)

18. If you haven't been off-road riding, start charming someone that does to take you riding. (Vigorous grovelling and an inch-high stack of fifties generally does the trick. At least with me.)

19. Read a book on motorcycle repair and fix something.

20. Once properly frustrated, put the parts in a box and take it to one of the fine dealers listed on SoundRider.

21. Grease your bike. (The factories skimp on grease for some reason. Get some waterproof grease and lube your wheel bearings, swing arm bearings, shock linkage and steering head bearings. Or eat a bucket of KFC and wipe hands on the parts.)

22. Start your bike in the garage over and over until your wife yells "can't you do that somewhere else." Promptly pack and leave for the Baja Peninsula.

23. Get your suspension professionally maintained. (You'd be surprised what a couple years of dirt and moisture will do to your seals and oil.)

24. Organize your garage. Or just move a few things around, pronounce it organized and go watch Speedvision.

25. Watch Fox Racing's Greatest Hits.

26. Go to one of the fine motorcycle dealers listed here on SoundRider and drool. Or better yet, buy one.

27. If married, use the "Well, Honey, everything went black and next thing I know, I was loading a new bike onto my trailer" excuse.

28. Work on better excuses. (Forget the one about aliens forcing you to buy a new KTM in order "to study human happiness." I've tried it. Nobody was buying.)

29. Replace your stock handlebars with some quality aluminum handlebars.

30. Join the Northwest Motorcycle Association.

31. Go out and maintain a trail.

32. Nikwax your riding gear. That stuff is amazing.

33. Make dinner for your spouse. (It's never too early to start building brownie points for riding days during the summer.)

34. Or suggest going to see "Maid in Manhattan" or some other love story. (I tried this but I chickened out as I was afraid the sudden surge of estrogen would make me form breasts.)

35. Make a commitment to race one beginner class motocross Wednesday night at Pacific Raceway this summer. Or at least go watch and then tell everybody you did.

36. Write a letter to a your State Representative and remind them that you ride motorcycles and you vote.

37. Watch "On Any Sunday." Again.

38. Screw the weatherman. Buy some rain gear and go riding.

See you in the dirt.

*Well, as normal as off-road riders get, anyway.

JS/Winter 2005